Red pill...or blue pill...

Sorry about that bloggers. If the last entry sounded like I stopped in the middle it's because I did & this is the first chance I've gotten to come back to it. I'm not done with the recap of my movie shooting experience but then again nor am I done with the movie. Now I have the arduous task of promoting this thing & only get one shot to do it. This coming Thursday is when the movie is being shown. I had the idea to give away little orange juice boxes with a sticker of the movie across the label but don't have the vehicular means nor the funds to jump it off. So Noch & I came up with the idea of giving away coupons for orange juice, them making our own coupons with a link to the you tube site. SO at this point I don't know what we're doing. On top of all that I still don't have a car & I haven't gotten more than 4 hours sleep consecutively in the last two weeks & I've been working 12 to 15 hours a day trying to make enough money to afford the car & move out of Queue's house. Am I tired? Yes. Can I stop yet? No. I gave Noch & Erin my word that I would help them & that's what I have to do. I spent the greater part of Monday night Tuesday morning editing the photos I took so they could be sent to the company spearheading the competition. Quita is a little worried about me but what I don't think she understands (nor does she want to) is that I need to do this. I have to keep myself exhausting busy. Too busy to think straight because if I'm still enough I will start to allow myself to think about the things I'm lacking in my life & quite frankly I don't want to be depressed right now. I'm not a productive depressed person. All I ever want to do is sleep & not move. I can feel myself slipping that way & I'm trying to fight it by keeping myself busy. When I'm busy I don't have time to think about what I haven't done or what I don't have. When my body crashes I don't remember my dreams. Actually I work in my dreams. Which can sometimes backfire because I'll sometimes think I've already done something & really I haven't. I did allow myself to think a little on Sunday, while I was in the shower. It was right after we dropped off the film, Erin took me to Queue's & I it was the rare occasion when no one cooked on Sunday. I hadn't eaten anything substantial since maybe Friday & was starving. I thought it would be nice if I had a companion to come home to after the film was over to have a hot meal, a hot shower, & could just sit in his lap & unwind till my body gave out. But I don't have that & I didn't get the hot meal I had in mind. I had a piece of pizza which was in no way what I wanted. So I just stayed up till about 1am & then went to bed. Don't get me wrong I don't mind not having someone in my life for that but just sometimes I think it would be nice if I did.