Introducing.....

So I think I want to try to get back to the basics of being me. What does that mean? Well, I was talking to my friend Floyd's fiancé & to be honest I forget what we were talking about that lead to this conversation but I finally admitted out loud, to a third party (not in my head, ha-ha) that I don't like myself. I did it before I realized it & once it was out I had no choice but to recognize it as true. Floyd's girl (Capital J) got this look on her face of utter disbelief, like she couldn't possibly believe I of all people had just said that. But the more I thought about it the more I realized it was true. I use to like myself about five years ago. I was comfortable in the skin I was in. I had set some long & short term goals & they were coming along really well. I had a really great job that I loved & was growing in the company, networking, etc. I didn't have a boyfriend but had a really close circle of friends that didn't make me feel like an outsider.

I guess it's time to tell you now that I have a thing fir Johns. Not the slang word for pimp but for guys named John. Trust & believe me when I say it's not intentional it just seemed to work out that way. I have had two very important Johns in my life, there are three total. The first two have been the most important to me. The third...not so much. However, I must mention that not only are they named John but they were all also born under the sign of Cancer. I know, I know, I should have learned my lesson after the first one but I'm a glutton for punishment. Clearly (Insert English accent here)
I've known John the 1st since I was in Kindergarten. For the longest time while we were growing up I use to beat him up for trying to touch my no-no spots right then he got too fast for me to beat up & then I started to stay in the library during recess. But in between growing up & moving away somehow we always ran into each other again. To speed this thing along we ended up dating for almost a year & a half when I moved back to Las Vegas. It was the closest I had ever come to being in some semblance of a serious relationship. We talked about getting married, looked a rings, & since he's a carpenter he wanted to build our house so we started to look at property lots. I took care of the financial side of our 'household', helped & supported him in the legal drama with his first daughters mom (remember that). I really thought that I was what he wanted. Deep down though I knew he wasn't what I wanted, not really. He was safe; I knew that no matter what happened in my life if I needed him he would be there. So I settled..and lost. John had never really been a religious person & I bought tickets for himself & his friend to this summer concert that Vegas has every year. Little did I know at the time he had met someone there. I have to admit women are really sneaky when it comes to getting the men they want. She introduced him to the Jehovah’s Witness religion & he really tried to get into it but he got caught up & she ended up pregnant, & being new to the Witnesses he thought he was doing the right thing by marrying her. However to do that the first fiancée clearly (insert English accent here) had to go (that was me) I was hurt I admit but again I knew that by marrying him in the first place I was settling for something & someone that didn't compliment me. It took a while & some serious heartbreak (I'll get to that) to get over what he did. I still talk to him & I'll always love him. He has since gotten divorced & had three other children on top of the one he already had. Two are from his wife & the other one, well, isn't from his wife. He's a really great dad when the women he has children by allow him to be. It hurts me to see him unhappy especially when it comes to his kids. I have seen first hand what the judicial system does to fathers in custody battles, two words, not hot. Family is really important to him & to be honest I think he only wanted to marry me because I was the only person in his life that was ever loyal to him without berating him for his short comings. I talked to him today in fact I he asked me to move back to Vegas, help him save some money so he (sorry, we) could move to the Philippians in two years. He's a great guy just wasn't the man for me. His birthday is on the 28th of June by the way.
Now the next John a whole different kind of Cancer but I'm tired it's been a long day. I haven't forgotten the things I wrote in the first paragraph I'll get to it. Remember, I'm a scatter-brain I'll always come back to my original thought. I have a lot more to say don't worry.