Introducing.....

So I think I want to try to get back to the basics of being me. What does that mean? Well, I was talking to my friend Floyd's fiancé & to be honest I forget what we were talking about that lead to this conversation but I finally admitted out loud, to a third party (not in my head, ha-ha) that I don't like myself. I did it before I realized it & once it was out I had no choice but to recognize it as true. Floyd's girl (Capital J) got this look on her face of utter disbelief, like she couldn't possibly believe I of all people had just said that. But the more I thought about it the more I realized it was true. I use to like myself about five years ago. I was comfortable in the skin I was in. I had set some long & short term goals & they were coming along really well. I had a really great job that I loved & was growing in the company, networking, etc. I didn't have a boyfriend but had a really close circle of friends that didn't make me feel like an outsider.

I guess it's time to tell you now that I have a thing fir Johns. Not the slang word for pimp but for guys named John. Trust & believe me when I say it's not intentional it just seemed to work out that way. I have had two very important Johns in my life, there are three total. The first two have been the most important to me. The third...not so much. However, I must mention that not only are they named John but they were all also born under the sign of Cancer. I know, I know, I should have learned my lesson after the first one but I'm a glutton for punishment. Clearly (Insert English accent here)
I've known John the 1st since I was in Kindergarten. For the longest time while we were growing up I use to beat him up for trying to touch my no-no spots right then he got too fast for me to beat up & then I started to stay in the library during recess. But in between growing up & moving away somehow we always ran into each other again. To speed this thing along we ended up dating for almost a year & a half when I moved back to Las Vegas. It was the closest I had ever come to being in some semblance of a serious relationship. We talked about getting married, looked a rings, & since he's a carpenter he wanted to build our house so we started to look at property lots. I took care of the financial side of our 'household', helped & supported him in the legal drama with his first daughters mom (remember that). I really thought that I was what he wanted. Deep down though I knew he wasn't what I wanted, not really. He was safe; I knew that no matter what happened in my life if I needed him he would be there. So I settled..and lost. John had never really been a religious person & I bought tickets for himself & his friend to this summer concert that Vegas has every year. Little did I know at the time he had met someone there. I have to admit women are really sneaky when it comes to getting the men they want. She introduced him to the Jehovah’s Witness religion & he really tried to get into it but he got caught up & she ended up pregnant, & being new to the Witnesses he thought he was doing the right thing by marrying her. However to do that the first fiancée clearly (insert English accent here) had to go (that was me) I was hurt I admit but again I knew that by marrying him in the first place I was settling for something & someone that didn't compliment me. It took a while & some serious heartbreak (I'll get to that) to get over what he did. I still talk to him & I'll always love him. He has since gotten divorced & had three other children on top of the one he already had. Two are from his wife & the other one, well, isn't from his wife. He's a really great dad when the women he has children by allow him to be. It hurts me to see him unhappy especially when it comes to his kids. I have seen first hand what the judicial system does to fathers in custody battles, two words, not hot. Family is really important to him & to be honest I think he only wanted to marry me because I was the only person in his life that was ever loyal to him without berating him for his short comings. I talked to him today in fact I he asked me to move back to Vegas, help him save some money so he (sorry, we) could move to the Philippians in two years. He's a great guy just wasn't the man for me. His birthday is on the 28th of June by the way.
Now the next John a whole different kind of Cancer but I'm tired it's been a long day. I haven't forgotten the things I wrote in the first paragraph I'll get to it. Remember, I'm a scatter-brain I'll always come back to my original thought. I have a lot more to say don't worry.

Tagged by J

I AM: Tired. Tired of not doing the things I really want to do . Tired of not being able to do the things a really need to do. Tired of being tired.

I WANT: to get a car & an apartment so I can stop feeling like a burden on my friends. they say I'm not but sometimes I really don't believe them.

I WISH: I could be more openly agressive. I'm passive aggressive in spades. Hopefully no one will challenge me.

I HATE: asking for help. I know that no one can do it alone but I really want to try. I also hate the fact that I feel like a scared punk most of the time.

I MISS: the confident, formidable, eloquent, positive person I was before I had my heart broken

I HEAR: the voices in my past taunting me, calling me useless

I WONDER: if God gave out written post-its with advice written on them would anyone believe they were really from Him and would they take the advice written

I REGRET: not knowing or liking my blood relatives more

I AM NOT: going to allow myself to give up on me

I DANCE: whenever the music in my head turns on

I SING: for real, only when no one is around or when Cammie wakes up in the middle of the night

I CRY: a lot more than I'll ever be willing to admit

I AM NOT ALWAYS: as strong as everyone thinks I am

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: crocheted blankets & scarves. I'll alter a t-shirt with a pair of scissors in a minute

I WRITE: not as often as I use to. It use to come to me in my sleep & keep me awake. Now I don't sleep & nothing comes

I CONFUSE: myself

I NEED: to sleep without taking pills

I SHOULD: be a lot farther in my life than I am

I START: doubting my ablities, get discouraged, stop trying, get motivated again, rinse, repeat
I FINISH: as much as I can. Insomnia has it's perks.

I TAG: Sometimes Jerry and Raquita, Evan,and Ida

Won't you take me to Funky Town

Sooo, just about everybody I know is in a bit of a funk, including myself, I'm a little depressed to admit. We all have our varied reasons but I find that since I can't get myself out of myown funk I can't help my friends. I can't seen to get a handle around what it is specifically it just seems as though there are a lot of little things growing into a big thing that I can't stop from happening. It's a familiar feeling though, I know what's coming & the last time it happend I end up losing some really great people that I considered family. To be fair to myself though I did warn them when it was coming & like the great people that are they said they were going to fight me for me & not allow me to get away from them but they lost. I fell & we're not as close as we use to be. The mother of one of these formidable people died & I wasn't able to console her in any way. I did call though to let her hear my voice & show what little support I could but I haven't talked to them, really talked to them in a long time. Sometimes I find that I miss them more than I ever wanted to admit to myself. The fault is mine & mine alone but I miss them none the less.
I've been trying to get a car now for the last few weeks & it hasn't been successful. I now my credit is bad but as Raquita pointed out there are people out there driving Escalades & Navagators that work at McDonalds. So why can't I get one? I don't even want anything that big just something I can drive around in long enough to get a better job thus getting a better car. I'm trying to be positive but it isn't working. I try to be an outward pessimist but an inward optimist however puting good thoughts in the universe has to be done verbally, I think, & right now my mind can't harnest enough positive energy to do th at. And the funk deepends...
So I come back to this post the folloing day on 5/17 after I stopped updating the people I'm staying with came home. Now I tried my best to kind of straighten up a bit & hope it was effective. Still in my funk I go to lay down. Laying down didn't work so I went for a walk. A Forest Gump kind of walk. At first I was only going to go to the end of the block but then I thought I would walk a few blocks to my friends house, remembered that I didn't know the house number so I just kept walking. Before I got to the end of the street Quita calls I tell her I'm fine & continue walking. I end up at Tower Grove park & still I walk. I walk until I feel alone enough that the only witnesses to my grief are the trees & they wouldn't tell. I hate it when I cry & figured the farther I was from the house the more it was okay if I did. I learned at a young age how to cry silently so no one would hear me. I walk back to the house.
I wish I knew how to help my friend. She is by far a better woman than I am on so many levles. I told herr once that I was a fraud. I only throw money at my friends problems. I know all of these amazing amazing people & there are times were I think they'll find out that I'm not nearly as cool as they are & they'll ask me to leave. Kinda like I'm crashing a party that I for serriously wasn't invited to & will mingle here & there inthe coversations but no enough for anyone to know that I'm not suppose to be there for real. I don't care what Tina Marie says I hate Funky Town.

The Day Reservered for Mothers

So it just dawns on me a few days ago that this Sunday is Mother's Day & that go me thinking, I have seven women that I call Mom. Eight if you count my own birth mother. Which makes me think I’m over compensating, just a bit? I care about all my moms. A few of them I haven't seen in years but if I should ever walk through the door I would be treated just like the daughters they gave birth to, including the discipline. So this post is about the women that have helped shape me into the person I am today.
The mother I know the least about is my friend Connie's mom. I call her mom because of her daughter. See, her daughter & I used to work together & we got to be really close & one day we were arguing back & forth so animatedly that one of our co-workers asked us if were married since we were fighting like married couples do. We stopped arguing, looked at our co-worker, looked at each other, & replied yes at the same time. Since then I call her my wife. I think I'm one of the few heterosexual women that actually have a wife & no husband outside of maybe Utah, maybe. Anyway the first time I met Connie's mom she introduced me as her wife. It was hilarious because unlike me, my Connie is bi-sexual & has seriously dated girls in the past so her mom was use to it. She was just a little upset that she wasn't invited to the 'wedding'. Anyway that's one of my first moms. Truth be told I don't even remember her first name (sorry Connie) I've always just called her mom. She's a special one. I'm worried about her currently because she's been sick a long time. There have been ups & downs (mostly downs) were her health is concerned & it takes a large toll on Connie's health. She feels like she is the only person her mom has since here sister isn't the most responsible person. It wouldn't be so bad except Connie has serious health issues of her own & she doesn't have anyone that can hold her burdens while she takes care of her moms. I worry about her like crazy & wish there was some way I could help.
Now, these moms are in no particular order of importance, not really. I care about all my moms. The next one is Mother Engert, my friend Terry's mom. She's a kicky old lady, I like her. She helped me out a lot when I lived here before. It was during the summertime & I had my first apartment that had no central air. Not only did it not have central air it didn't have a cooling unit either. So she let me stay over her house during the summer, a lot. Not only that but Terry & her mom integrated me into their family. Terry knows that I'm not into family gatherings of my own & the family I did have in St.Louis at the time didn't do anything for the holidays so she carted me off to just about every big gathering her family had. Terry had a BIG family, huge. She has so many nieces & nephews that have birthdays in the month of February they have one big party for them all. There are so many grandchildren that they have their own Easter egg hunt. They draw names in December so everyone doesn’t go bankrupt getting presents for everyone. And then there was me the black sheep of the family, literally. I was the only piece of color that family has. It started to be this running joke between us to make these off color remarks because it infuriated one of her sister in-laws. Her sister in-law Mary always tried to be uber conservative & never offend anybody. Anyway, Mother Engert is a really nice Lutheran mom. I got to see what happens when children get to curse at their parents. I was an experience, one I had never tired but an experience none the less.
Allow me a small digression for a moment to say this; there are a few words and/or phrases that I think are used a little too freely or loosely. For example, 'I'm fine'. Half the time people who ask how another is doing don't really care, they just use it as a space filler. Try answering something different than the normal & see the glazed look form over they're eyes. They won't see it coming & won't know what to say. I've done it, it's hilarious. 'I love you'. I won't go into too much detail about this misused phrase. That's a whole post in itself. 'Best friend'. What qualifies someone to be a best friend? Does a certain amount of time have to pass? Money exchanged, situations endured together, what? I found out the other day that I'm the best friend of someone that I never called my best friend. Is that allowed? Can you have a best friend in every state you lived in & if that's so does your best friend in one state have to be best friends with the 'best friend' in the other state. What qualifies someone as your best friend? When do they stop being considered your best friend? Is there a best friend rule book somewhere I could read up on this?
I say all that to say this, I count myself extremely fortunate to be able to call the same three women my best friends. Actually I haven't called them my friends in a while. They're my sisters. I'll admit we're not as close as we use to be but they've been there for me since we were in high school, their moms too. Delana's mom, Momma Jones, was the quiet type of church going mom. She didn't say much & was always kind of reserve. However, hell hath no fury if you ever should happen to find yourself on the bad side of that woman. She can get with the best of them & come out on top. I learned quiet but deadly patience from her. I haven't talked to her in a while, I miss her. Momma Sykes, Paulette's mom I sometimes think I love more than my own. She has chastised & supported me in the same breathe. She was the one who stayed with me during my surgery. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for that woman. Now she is not the one to be crossed. There is nothing silent about her fury. She is the commander & chief make no mistake. If I'm able to retain half the strength that woman has I consider myself very lucky. We never called Quiana's step-mom mom. We always called her Sherri. Shee...she was always well coordinated, yeah.
Next there's Dale. Dale was one of my father's girlfriends when I was entering my mid-teen years. I never called her mom but she was my acting mom for a while. She taught me it was okay if I had expensive taste. That there was nothing wrong with that. My dad was overly thrifty & since I was the oldest I had it engrained in me to think of everyone & not just myself. So if I had to compromise my wants for the greater good of the younger siblings then that's what I did. Dale taught me it was okay to be selfish sometimes. She taught me womanly classiness. All of my feminine ways I owe to her. I haven't talked to her in a while either. My since of loyalty was split when she & my dad broke up cause I cared about her a lot (still do) but at the same time I didn't want to make my dad uncomfortable.
The other moms I have are just in name only, sort of. Momma Faye is my Cousin Kelly's mom. Why don't I call her aunt, because Kelly really isn't my cousin? She is the former college roommate of my real cousin's husband's sister who also use to be my real aunt's (real cousin's mother) sister in-law (did you get all that)? Momma Faye is great, kooky, but great. The lady can cook her ass off, ya hur me. Oh my god, her gumbo for Thanksgiving is off the banger. Mommy Linda is the god-sister of my grandmother. God-sister or play-sister I can never remember. But I've always called her Mommy Linda. I'm her favorite out of my grandmother's grandchildren. At least that's how I remember it. She gave me my first few taste of alcohol. Her drink of choice was E&J and Coke over ice. She's as crazy as my grandmother use to be.
My ex-boyfriend's mother I had to stop calling mom, well, for obvious reasons. I think maybe because her age was more near my grandmothers than my mom's I saw her in more of that role than of s motherly kind. I use to take care of her as much as I could. I would put small increments of money in her account so she could do things she wanted to do & that she had to do because her kids, with the exception of her youngest son (the one I was dating) were also of significant age & couldn't help. I didn’t do it a lot just a few times. She wasn't always the most pleasant woman but now knowing her son the way I do I know why. As with the going trend of this post I haven't talked to her in a while either. Again, for obvious reasons. Her son broke my heart & she knows that. From the last time I did talk to her I think he broke hers too.
And then there is my birth mother, Shari. It used to be pronounced Sherry but from what I was told it was changed when she was in cosmetology school. I stopped typing this post & came back to it because I know I was nearing the point where I would have to talk about my own mother. But truth be told I really don't know what to say about her. I know that I miss the person she was & am intolerable off the person she's become. I sat & thought for hours but couldn't remember any good memories about my mom without the not so good ones infiltrating my though patterns. She's my mother. She's the person who carried me in her womb & took care of me till she wasn't able to anymore. I am her oldest child & will try my best to take on that role in whatever capacity the situation calls for. I realized long ago (without getting into too much detail) that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. She's my mom & I just want her to be okay.
So there is my tribute to all of my moms in recognition of their day. Each one has touched my life in so many ways & many continue to do so. Thank you ladies for everything.

A small note

The date for 5 minutes with Spoken is incorrect. I did it today. Don't know how to fix that though.

5 minutes with Spoken

5 minutes with Spoken

If money didn't matter what would you do with your life? I would spend my life learnng foreign languages & then going to those countries to live for at least 2 years taking pictures & emersing myself in the different cultures

What's the biggest misconception about you? That I'm intimidating & a snob. I think I'm just direct. Direct & won't accept anything less than what I feel I deserve.

Beauty or brains? Brains. Beauty fads, & anyone who says other wise has probably had plastic surgery so their beauty isn't pure anymore.

What is your weapon of choice? Jedi mind trick, the 1 inch punch, and/or the 12 step death combo from Kill Bill 2

Who was your first celebrity crush? Sphen (?) from Voltron. I know he was a cartoon but he was really cute. Don't judge me :)

What's your family's nickname for you? Mostly it's Niescee ( I chose how I wanted it spelled). Although the younger cousins call me Niece or Ni Ni.

What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? Potatoes. I love potatoes. French fries, mashed, baked,smashed, fried. I know it one of the few vegatables that aren't that healthy for you but I could eat them every day & be totally content. Diebetic, but content.

What's the last book you've read? It's A Sistah Thing, by Monique R. Brown. It helped me understand & deal with my fibroid tumors.

Name one thing that scares you? Dying alone & no one knowing it's happend. Then no one caring that it has.

What's the biggest mistake you've made? Putting my families well being before my own. I use to let my families opinion of me direct how I did things. There approval ment everything to me. As long as they were okay, it didn't matter if I was.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie about you? Theresa Randle. She's the actress best know from the Spike Lee movie Girl 6. I think she's beautifully tragic

If you ran for President of the United States, who would be your running mate? Oprah she's the most powerful black woman in the world. She has the money, the contacts, & reputation to pull it off.

Who is your favorite TV mom? Claire Huxtable, the Cosby show . She was never afraid to actually gt with the kids when they were being sassy mouthed.

What's the fastest way to pick a fight with you? Physically harm any of the people I hold dear to my heart, then run.

If you could tell one person to shut up, who would it be? Bush

Who would you die for? The same people I would fight for.

Name one celebrity whom you would never procreate under any circumstances? The list is a lot shorter if it asked who I would.

It would be an honor if some said my writing/poetry reminded them of_____________. Nikki Giovanni

Name one sex act you would never perform if you were the opposite sex? I don't think I'm knowledgable enough in the various sexual discrepencese to no what I would & wouldn't try.

Would you ever pose for Playgirl/Playboy? If I had a kick ass trainer first & was offered a heafty sum of money

When was the last time you cried? Right after I was released from the hospital & I felt like an invalid because I couldn't move. It was the first time in my adult life I wasn't the person taking care of someone.

What's the greatest personal tragedy you've ever experienced? The mental & spiritual death of the person I use to be. I was comfortable in my own skin, motivated in the path my life was going, & gtowing as a poet. When it all went away I had to face the truth that I was more like my mother in her negative traits that I had ever concieved as possible. I still don't know how to get back.

Complete this sentence: By this time next year______________. I hope I am no worse off than I already am, moving into my first house.

And the beat goes on

Ok, so I'm not so good at posting every day. I'll even go so far to say I'm not good at posting every week. But I'll try to get better. I have made the decision to not post the rest of my surgery saga in detail for the soul purpose in being I waited too long to post it & now quite frankly I just really don't have the drive to do so. I will sum up though. I figure it's the least I can do. Kinda like skipping to the end of a movie so you can see what happened instead of watching the whole thing from beginning to end.

So the Friday before surgery I already talked about. Now the following Saturday wasn't as bad but still not one of my favorites. I had to do to work & it was going to be the last day that I'd be working. I had been working mad overtime cause like all fairly young people I didn't sign up for long term disability insurance at work. Because, let's face it, how many late 20 something’s with no children plan ahead for tragedy. Not many & I'm not one of them. Well, not always, anyway my job was short staffed & the new training class hadn't come out yet so we had unlimited overtime. Well I had been working 12-14 hour days for a few weeks straight trying to save some money for the six weeks my doctor said I would be out of work. On top of that by the time I go back to work I need to have a vehicle & an apartment. However, the Nazi loser best friend of mine named Raquita wouldn't me work anymore overtime. Why does she get to tell me what to do you may ask? Well since we all know I don't have a car of my own, I'm playing Scarlet O'Hara & must "... depend on the kindness of strangers." She's my ride on Saturdays & wouldn't take me sooner than I was scheduled. But when I got there I was asked to be a floor walker after the team manager left for the evening till the night lead came in. Won't go into detail what all that is but I will say it's a bit of a pain since I have found the older people get the less likely they are to willingly take orders (for lack of a better word) from someone younger than they are. In the mist of this oh so pleasant day (flag), Quita calls me to let me know that the hospital had yet another system crash & all my info was lost, again. So I had to go back to the hospital sometime before my surgery on that Monday to get more blood work done. Nice (Big flag).
Moving on to Sunday. A few things to note about this day; 1) it’s Sunday & it just so happens to be Easter. 2) I'm in ass backward St. Louis & EV-ER-Y-THING is closed. Like it's Christmas or something. Understanding of course that it's to commemorate the same person but COME ON.
Look, I lived in Vegas for a long time so I'll admit I'ma little spoiled when it come to things always being open when I need them so this kinda cheesed me off real nice. Why? I had been trying for a while to get this flash for Quita's birthday, researched it & everything. Knew where I could pick it up a little cheaper than what she & I had found on the net, had a contact that said I could use his discount (groovy), & we're clear to go. I had to get it done before my surgery because it was suppose to be a surprise & anyone who knows this wanker knows that it is damn near impossible to surprise this girl. That & I wasn't going to be mobile before she was going to need the flash for a job. She's an absolute fabulous photographer, not that she'll ever admit it herself. And please let’s not forget I still have to go back to the hospital to get everything done all over again. To sum it all up, I never got the flash that day & when I got to the hospital the surgery center was closed. Even though it was were they told me to go. Had to get a little cheeky with a security guard & end up spending an hour at the hospital getting my blood drawn in the front of the hospital by a lab tech. The rest of my Sunday was spent with Raquita's family watching various children get sugared up on Easter candy & snow cones.
My Monday, surgery day, is a total blur. I lost that day. I only remember the first half before I went into the surgical room & a little afterward when I woke up a few times after. Let me just say this. If you ever find yourself in a position to be the person that is at the bed side of a surgical patient, don't eat anything in front of them. It's rude. Rude & a little cruel. Okay, so Quita & I get to the surgical center in the hospital & my best friend since high school's mom (Momma Sykes) is waiting for us. I wanted Momma Sykes there for a few reasons; 1) she's a registered nurse & I wanted someone there who could read a chart & understand all the medical lingo that was bound to be used while I was in a medicated comma. 2) she's my mom. The closest thing I have here to a maternal figure. She's always been there for me. Sometimes whether I liked it or not. I'm grown up enough to say that I wanted my mommy there, I don't care. Don't judge me. Anyway, when we get to the hospital & I sign in they give me this paging device that lights up & vibrates. So like the nut jobs Raquita & I are we start making jokes. You know, the pagers looked like the ones at Chili's or Macaroni Grill so it was like curb side surgery to go. It was great & it took my mind off the surgery, a little. Now, because one of my best friends & her mother are both registered nurses I concede to a little bias but dude these nurses at Christian NE don't know how to shit. The nurse that was putting in my IV hit the wrong vein or something cause the needle wouldn't go in at all & then it fell out. I don't know about you but if inadiment objects don't have confidence in your capabilities then why should I. I'm just saying.
Disclaimer: The rest of Monday being listed I got second hand so I'm not responsible if the specifics are not all together, um all together.
As it turns out I lost a lot of blood on the table so they pumped my body full of fluids at a really fast pace. Then the chief resident over the cardiovascular department wanted to give me three units of blood to replace what I lost after I got out. My mother politely told him that wasn't going to happen (Big, big flag). But because they had started this process (I think) before they told her my heart rate had gone up really really high. Did I happen to mention that I was in the recovery room for nine hours? And in the course of that nine hour time frame the formidable women I have the absolute humbling pleasure of calling my friends commenced to eloquently curse out a good portion of the Christian NE Hospital staff because they kept me in recovery for so long. Not only that but they kept me on a stretcher & not in a bed. First, they were waiting for a room. When the room was ready they didn't want to move me because of my heart rate. I heard tale no one is normally allowed in the recovery room but my mother persuaded them to change their mind. (Please tell me you see the sarcasm flags, people, please.) I get moved to the observation wing of the cardiovascular floor because of my heart rate till the next morning. My doctor came up the next morning & told them to move me. I stay there two days longer that I wanted to cause they released me on Thursday. I had four small fibroids removed & one great big honking one that weighed six pounds. I call it Fred. I figure anything that was in my stomach for four years & weighs six pounds deserves a name. Hell, I'm trying to get it a social security number so I can claim him as a dependant on my taxes next year. I need the extra money.
So that was my surgery experience. Before this I had never been in a hospital, other than birth. I think I had pneumonia when I was a kid, not sure. It wasn't the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced but it's not something I'd like to do again. Although I've been told I may have to but that's another time. I'm still recovering & there are a few other stories I have. But we'll just call that the recovery saga.