Red pill...or blue pill...

Sorry about that bloggers. If the last entry sounded like I stopped in the middle it's because I did & this is the first chance I've gotten to come back to it. I'm not done with the recap of my movie shooting experience but then again nor am I done with the movie. Now I have the arduous task of promoting this thing & only get one shot to do it. This coming Thursday is when the movie is being shown. I had the idea to give away little orange juice boxes with a sticker of the movie across the label but don't have the vehicular means nor the funds to jump it off. So Noch & I came up with the idea of giving away coupons for orange juice, them making our own coupons with a link to the you tube site. SO at this point I don't know what we're doing. On top of all that I still don't have a car & I haven't gotten more than 4 hours sleep consecutively in the last two weeks & I've been working 12 to 15 hours a day trying to make enough money to afford the car & move out of Queue's house. Am I tired? Yes. Can I stop yet? No. I gave Noch & Erin my word that I would help them & that's what I have to do. I spent the greater part of Monday night Tuesday morning editing the photos I took so they could be sent to the company spearheading the competition. Quita is a little worried about me but what I don't think she understands (nor does she want to) is that I need to do this. I have to keep myself exhausting busy. Too busy to think straight because if I'm still enough I will start to allow myself to think about the things I'm lacking in my life & quite frankly I don't want to be depressed right now. I'm not a productive depressed person. All I ever want to do is sleep & not move. I can feel myself slipping that way & I'm trying to fight it by keeping myself busy. When I'm busy I don't have time to think about what I haven't done or what I don't have. When my body crashes I don't remember my dreams. Actually I work in my dreams. Which can sometimes backfire because I'll sometimes think I've already done something & really I haven't. I did allow myself to think a little on Sunday, while I was in the shower. It was right after we dropped off the film, Erin took me to Queue's & I it was the rare occasion when no one cooked on Sunday. I hadn't eaten anything substantial since maybe Friday & was starving. I thought it would be nice if I had a companion to come home to after the film was over to have a hot meal, a hot shower, & could just sit in his lap & unwind till my body gave out. But I don't have that & I didn't get the hot meal I had in mind. I had a piece of pizza which was in no way what I wanted. So I just stayed up till about 1am & then went to bed. Don't get me wrong I don't mind not having someone in my life for that but just sometimes I think it would be nice if I did.

The reason for my dementia

Ok, ok so I didn't post every day like I thought I was going to be able to, sue me. I've had a really long week which is part of why I didn't post every day but hey, I think I'm getting better. At least I've started posting every week. I really need to do this post thing cause soooo much has gone down since last week.
Where do I begin?
We'll start with the car. I kinda suspected I wasn't getting the loan with West End Motors. They have really good cars, but the guy I was working with the first time is a total doodie head & he actually hung up on Raquita & myself when we called to get some info. They refused to give me the finance info over the phone & when I went to the office to speak to the manager, he took for ever & I didn't end up talking to him at all because I was using Quita's grandmother's car to get down there which I was a little weary bout asking for in the first place. Got the run around for another week & was finally told they couldn't do anything for me. I think by now I'm use to the car dealers saying no by now. It doesn't hurt as much. I was taking it a little personally but I think I'm immune. Immune or totally pessimistic I can't decide which. Anyway, I was talking to my friend Billy & he gave me the number of his friend who works for Nissan. Yeah baby, that's right, Nissan. We all know how the Spoken feels about Nissan. SO I call him & tell him everything wrong with my credit just like I've told everyone else. Just like everyone else he tells me I have to come in to fill out an app. Long story short with this one, I got financed under some contingencies but they haven't found a car in the proper price range that won't cripple me financially especially with the amount of interest I'm gonna be charged. Now I'm just waiting for them to say no.
The money I thought I was going to get from my cousin I didn't get & first the check I got from work since coming back to work was a little depressing. I knew it was going to be small but it included a holiday. However, I forgot that my Nazi job calculates the amount of your holiday pay by the last two checks & gives you a percentage from that. Which normally wouldn't be so bad except & didn't work the last two checks because of my surgery. And you know what I say to that? Curse you Aqua Scum! Not only that but I was counting on working overtime for the next two weeks till the new training class got out but found out today that OT was canceled because management seems to feel we have enough associates on staff to cover the call volume. Again, curse you Aqua Scum! So while I was working my job here like I worked a 2nd part time gig, 6 hours from 8am to 2pm & then working my normal shift from 2:30p till 11p. Sometimes I 'd work till 12:30am if I got a ride by my favorite white lady (his name is Eric, yes I said he) but now when current events being what they are I think I may have to get like a fast food gig or something close till I; 1)get a car of my own and/or 2) get a better job. Moving on...
This past week-end was really interesting. I assisted a couple of friends with a film competition & it was really fun. But let me back up. I have this friend named Enoch, right & he's is this sick DJ. He's great. He's half the reason I can't get out of Legacy at a decent hour, ya know, on top of me not having a car & all. Anyway, last year I had to talk him out of walking off this project he was doing the musical score for because he got mad frustrated with the director. There is this company or something that has this short film competition every year. They give you 48 hours (from 7pm on Friday till 7pm on Sunday) to write, cast, shoot, edit, & score a movie. The film has to be from 4 to 7 minutes long & it HAS to be turned in by 7:30:59 (they are oh SO serious about that time shit). So Noch was on this crew last year & did all this work & they didn't get the film in on time so they couldn't compete in any of the awards. He almost walked off last year, it was crazy. Ok so I wound up at the wrap party when it was over last year & ,met his friend Erin. He was kinda cute, gave REALLY great hugs. Long story short, tried to start a thing,thing didn't work, I thought he was a jerk face, & I ended up working with him on this project this year. Found out he has a girlfriend. I was like YO, he coulda told me that shit a long time ago. It wasn't like I wanted to marry him or anything but just be upfront about your stuff. It's all I'm saying. Moving forward to this year. Noch gave me a call in the beginning of April & asked me to help with the. I thought he wanted me to act but he wanted me to do the admin side of things& I was like, "sure". It's what I do best. Yeeeaahh, how 'bout, the closer it came for the contest to start, the crazier it got. The funny thing is I thought I was prepared for the crazy. When people asked me what it was like I would tell them it's like when hospitals prepare for a 32 car pile up on the freeway, I'm just waiting for the bodies to show up. That's the truest assessment I can give cause that's exactly what it was like. I'll say this, you can only prepare for so much & the rest is up to the universe.

Just another Manic Monday

Today is Monday & I really think I'm dyslexic cause I've been typing things backward all day. Nothing really exciting happened today all though today marks the first in a long three weeks to come. My intention is to work as much overtime at work that I can so I can put more money down on my car (which I hope to have by Friday) & start saving again to finally get a place of my own. Cause no matter how you want to slice it a grown ass woman has no place living with anyone who isn't a room mate. I miss having my own space. Sometimes I would like to walk into a house of complete silence & know it will last longer that an inhale. Then again, I think once I'm gone I'll start to miss the noise. I did miss Cammie the first week I came back to work & I didn't think I would. She was sleep when I went to work & she's sleep by the time I get back to Queue's so the only time I get to hear her yell at me is on the weekends. I made the mistake of letting her sleep with me this past Saturday. See, she wakes up before everyone on the weekends which I think she does on purpose cause during the week she will sleep till about 8 or 9 in the morning. On the week-end though, she has no qualms about waking up at 4 & 5 o'clock in the morning. Now if you're cognizant enough you can giver what she wants & she'll go back to sleep (i.e. juice, binky, diaper change) pretty basic. I on the other hand usually have just gotten to sleep & can't will my body to get up half the time, not all the time but half. Like this past Saturday, Cammie had woke up at like 5am. I woke up to her laying on my chest lifting my eyelid with her fingers saying, "Nee Nee, mornin, Nee nee. Wake up, mornin". So being the the nocturnal Nee Nee that I am I give her a kiss on the cheek and coheirs he into laying down with me, and it worked. The down side to this however is like most children she's a wild sleeper so on this queen size futon mattress I am shoved on the edge against the cold wall. Cammie, on the other hand, is sleeping quite comfortable horizontally with her head in back so I couldn't roll over. Because clearly (insert English accent here) my back is where the child head is suppose to go. Dude, I must really love that kid. Come to find out Quita saw me & Cammie & did nothing to help me, loser that she is. She said she just shook her head & said to herself, "stupid Nee Nee Spoken". It's ok, she's a good kid I still don't want one though.
I didn't hear anything back from West End Motors but I did call my friend Billy's friend named Brian. He works for Nissan I think which is great because I love Nissans. I explained to him the spiel I've given all the dealers & like all the other dealers he doesn't want to do anything till he sees my credit report. But the possible upside to this is since I went to another Lou Fusz car place he may be able to get the credit info from there without having to run my credit & further lower my score. Hey I also got approved for a credit card (yeah me) & will be able to start building my credit history. It's not a big limit ($200)which is fine but I find it funny cause my first bill is going to be $150. It tickles me when I think about it but then I die a little inside. Being a grown up suck hard. I don't want to do it anymore.
For my own amusement today I went to amazon.com & updated my wish list. Most of it consist of movies today. Then I hit pay dirt, I found all these old cartoons that I loved as a kid. Am I going to buy them? Uhhhhmmmm, yeah, hell's yeah.

Weekend Wrap Up

So the post that comes before this one is really from this past Wednesday. Since I can't get to this site at work anymore I have had to write my post as a draft in my email & then copy them to the blog. Trivial, I know, but I find that if I don't get my thoughts down I'll lose them & that was the whole reason I was suppose to get this blog in the first place, right?
As you all know I've bee trying to get a car & it's the first time I have had to do anything like this before by myself, fort of. I've been thinking a lot lately & I really don't know where I would be without Queue's help. Like for the serious she's helped me more than I care to admit & I will never be able to repay her no matter how hard I try. This whole car thing has got me somewhat distraught. I really want a car, hell I really need a car. I just didn't think buying a car would be this hard. I'm entirely too pessimistic to do this. I hate to admit it, but this has been the month of reflection. I've never bought a car before. This is going to be my first big purchase. I think car dealer sign away their souls when they get the job. Cause the dealer I've been trying to go through has been really adamant about putting me in a cars that are total crap. I will be the first to say that I don't know a whole lot about cars, not really. I know what I like & what I don't. What I'm willing to pay for & what I'm not. However at this point I just want them to either tell me they can get me the car I'm looking for or give me back the down payment check I wrote them so I can start my search all over again. Don't worry it was on;y $30.
Work is work, nothings changed much there. It was my first week back after my surgery & I gotta say my company will hire just about anybody. I say that because I have met the new training class that got out after I left & they are some of the rudest, most ghetto folks I've ever worked with. My manager got assigned to a different project for reasons I cannot divulge. And all of the 'seasoned' associates are leaving for other jobs on a weekly bases. There is mad overtime that, frankly, I'm too tire to work but will do so so I can get out of my friends house before we no longer like each other. That would be tragic.
I need to go back to last Sunday for a minute because I'm a total psycho. My friend Enoch asked me to do admin work for this film competition next weekend which I don't mind doing but my resources are a little limited. Anyway, I was really mean to Jerry, Queue's husband, without really meaning to be. I needed some copies for a meeting that couldn't be started without them & in the process of having to swallow my limitations I was inadvertently mean to Jerry. Not really his fault because I know he has a short attention span & unless he does what ever you ask him too right then he'll move on to something else & completely forget about what he was doing for you. Not intentionally of course but I find that the more creative you are the higher your ADD is. I'm starting to worry about my friendship with Que. I would hate to think I'm wearing out my welcome but I've been in her house now for almost two months. Her house is literally Grand Central Station. There is always people coming into & out of their house. They've got to be sick of it, I know I would be. I think their hearts are just too big. They want to help everybody & Queue has this I -need-to-take-care-of -everybody disease that I think her family takes advantage of. I'm starting to think I'm taking advantage but I don't know how. I'm still trying to be as inconspicuous as I possibly can be. This must be what it's like to live in a big close nit family. I'm not that close with my real family & that's partly my fault. I haven't decided yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
No matter what I will post something all next week. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

The year of the Snake

Yes I know it really isn't he Chinese year of the snake but that's kinda how I feel today. I've been going on this rediscovering myself kinda journey & I swear the person I've turned out to be is kind of a punk. Queue saidd I need a spine & she's right. I'm not assertive enough when it come to dealing with my own stuff but if someone is depending on me I will walk through fire & spit glass for those I care about if they're in any kind of need. It's backward, I know, but I don't know what to make of it. I kinda feel like the character Jun from the book the Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan ( I love her) not knowing what she was worth & all. I'm not trying to sound like a myrtr or anything at this point it's just how I feel.